communication

Would You Rather…

I write this…well, i didn’t write this. Today’s post is strictly a culmination of the responses to my weekly survey.

The importance of the “Would You Rather…” concept (to me, at least) is to show the different ways that people interpret the same two options, and WHY.

We are all so heavily influenced by the things around us, by our experiences in life, and by our exposures. The way we interpret ‘options’ is often the gut reaction to the things that influence our decision making skills in life.

Our DEFAULT SETTINGS automatically kick in when asked “would you rather do this or that”, and sometimes we need to hit the OVERRIDE button in order to continue to grow and evolve ourselves. These questions make us examine our defaults a bit and elaborate on why we are the way we are.

let’s see what happened when my respondents were asked to choose.

Would you rather…

…be alone and successful, or build a family and have to edit your dream? why?

Why can’t I have both? I have periods when all I want to do is grind and reach my goals but the times I’ve done that I look up and realized I have no one to share it with. I guess I would rather put them on hold a build with my family.

I’d rather build a family and edit my dream because family is everything to me. I couldn’t imagine life without family. Dreams can change whether you are alone or have a family so might as well have people to enjoy your dreams with.

I believe you can have both if you use your time wisely. I’m alone and successful but one of my dreams is to have a family. If it’s meant to be, it will be.

i would rather have a family. The dream may be edited a little bit, but not deleted.

I have to believe there is a happy medium.

half of us reading this are like:

and the other, more conflicted half are like:

Would you rather…

…be famous, or live alone on an island? why?

Live alone on an island cause isn’t fame the same thing? At least I’d have nature.

I wouldn’t want either. It’s like an extreme on both ends. You either are isolated or have no privacy whatsoever. I don’t think I would function in either situations.

Famous. I always wanted to be famous because I’ve always wanted to reach many people at once and help them in any way I can.

I guess I would be famous because I don’t want to be alone on an island; seems pretty boring lol

Alone on an island.

me:

you?

Would you rather…

…amass HELLLLLLA money and leave it to your family after you die, or make a comfortable living now that affords you to give to causes / people you believe in? WHY?

What’s the point of saving for a future that could be taken away? There is no guarantee my family will enjoy it or Spend it doing worth while things. Id give it away now and watch the seed grow.

I would rather make hella money and leave it to my family. It would feel great knowing my family is taken care of once I’ve left this life.

Comfortable living. I can still give my family a legacy/empire if I work hard and build it while I’m alive so they won’t blow through the money.

I would make a comfortable living and give to causes/people I believe in. I would want to put my money to good use while I’m here instead of letting it pile up to give to my family members to blow. If I were to leave my money behind for family members, it would be for college and trust funds for my nephews and niece.

Comfortable living. I want to see my legacy before I leave this earth.

i think this might be me.

my family, if I left them $$$ LOL

(don’t tell them i said that)

Would you rather…

…lose your sight or your hearing? why?

My sight. I’d hate to not hear my loved one’s voices.

I think I would prefer to keep my sight. Even though I’d miss hearing great music, I couldn’t bare not being able to see my daughter’s beautiful face or not being able to see a sunset or watch the waves of the water.

Sight. If I could never listen to music ever again I would be a very deeply depressed human.

Ugh that’s the hardest question everrr! I guess since I’m a visual artist the ears would have to go?

Hearing. The World is just to beautiful to not be able to see.

Would you rather…

…text message or talk on the phone? why?

Text, lol. I hate talking on the phone. A text I can send it and walk away. A phone makes me feel trapped. And cell phones cause cancer sooo. 🙂

I would rather talk on the phone. It’s much more intimate. Being able to hear the tone of whom you’re talking to. You don’t have to guess what someone means or is saying. Actual talking is personable.

Talk on the phone. Hearing tones in voices is so important.

I actually like both. I believe you connect with the person more by talking on the phone. Texting is super convenient, because there times when you can’t talk, but want to. I believe phone calls are for nights, weekends and lunch breaks, so I guess I’ll go with texting.

Both. Depends who I’m talking to. I prefer FaceTime with those closest to me. Text when I don’t feel like talking and phone only when it’s absolutely necessary.

100% MEEEEE.

not gonna call any names here, but…

well, that was interesting. right?!

The goal of this post was to a) confirm that you (or i) am not crazy and to b) make us think about what / how / why we choose the things we do. also, this post is about how those choices impact us and the people in our lives.

mission accomplished.

i will always end our #powerpact sessions by saying that i see you, i love you, and i am on your side. let’s grow.

Comment below to add to this flow of thought.

catch me on the ‘gram if you want at @THEPOWERPACT

WE [ALL] NEED CLOSURE

i write this while thinking it’s not about me, knowing that it is.

no matter how you cut it, getting CLOSURE in most situations sucks. unless you are the one victoriously skipping away after putting the final ca-bash on a situation, then 9.9 times out of 10, it sucks. right?! ok, so let’s jump right in…

CLOSURE IS:

> Something that you once counted on as very important to your life that is over and done.

> Closure means finality; a letting go of what once was.

> Finding closure implies a complete acceptance of what has happened and an honoring of the transition away from what’s finished to something new.

FINALITY.

ACCEPTANCE.

LETTING GO.

MOVING ON.

i know, i’m freaking out too.

i don’t have a whole lot of words for this post…i think we need to just process it together.

talk about a situation where you never got closure.

My last two breakups. We just stopped talking to each other. I’m always open to friendship with an ex. I don’t believe in tossing people aside especially if I’ve shared significant parts of my life with them, but I understand not all people feel that way and I have to move on with no “closure”.

My very best friend got ill. In the midst I forgot to inform one of our other friends immediately. When I did, she got in her feelings and we got into it. She basically said we are only online friends now. I haven’t spoken to her since. We’ve been friends for over 20 years. It’s been like 3-4 months since the incident. I don’t even know where we stand. I refuse to reach out to her.

Forgiveness is hard for me. Sometimes the people you trusted the most hurt you the worst and in so many ways there is no coming back from that. At this point in my life, respect is earned not given. An apology without action behind it means shit. Ultimately the growth that (I, Me, She, Queen) experienced due to finally having closure but never being the same me again, has been a blessing in disguise. Despite the gut wrenching pain to get to this point, I will be okay.

My Story:

about ten years ago, i had a close friend just completely disappear on me. we had been in touch nonstop for three years prior, had done some business together, had all the same friends, etc etc. the person left town for a while to go take care of some stuff out of state, then i somehow wound up buying them a plane ticket back home. [for which i was never thanked or repaid] (red flag). <— do i sound bitter? haha! whatevs…i’m human.

upon returning everything was fine – we were hanging out, vibe seemed normal, but i was somehow footing the bill for everything (red flag). after a couple weeks i called the person (who somehow weaseled a cell phone onto MY account – level 10 red flag smh). when we met up they said they’d “forgotten their wallet” (BURNING RED FLAG), so i had to cover the bill for the food we’d already eaten. [DANG I WAS NAIVE! – THIS IS BASIC “NO NO NO NO NO” STUFF HERE]

the next day, they asked for a ride to the area where i worked. they said they just wanted to hang out and kill time til i got off, then we would go to a friend’s house not too far away. i took my lunch break and met up with them – they’d already eaten, and they had arm loads of shopping bags. [MAGICALLY, THEY HAD MONEY!] then, at the end of my shift i called and called and called the person – radio silence. that silence is still in effect today – a decade later! i saw them once since that day, and we had an exchange of greetings then just kept it moving. turns out this person was a ‘serial moocher’, and i was just one of several victims.

in this situation CLOSURE was forced on me because the person vanished [THANK GOD, IN HINDSIGHT]. i got played, then the person completely fell off the face of the earth.

i’m sure i’m not the only one who’s had a MANIPULATIVE friend or two out there.

The thing to remember when someone has taken advantage of your good nature (or in any type of relationship that has seen its final day) is that when you are finally out of the situation, even if you don’t get traditional reconciliation and CLOSURE, IT’S OKAY. You’re not stupid. You will live. You can be a whole person, still.

and, if the closure you seek involves something that was a huge part of your life (like a relationship / marriage / job), the rules are still the same: IT’S OKAY. You’re not stupid. You will live. You can be a whole person, still.

ALSO, if you were the crazy one in the situation – now that it’s over: IT’S OKAY. You’re not stupid. You will live. You can be a whole person, still.

NO MATTER WHAT, THESE BABIES ARE STILL THE KEYS TO CLOSURE:

FINALITY. ACCEPTANCE. LETTING GO. MOVING ON.

if you could say the thing you’ve never been able to say to someone in order to bring closure to a situation, what would it be?

You hurt me.

I’d say I can’t have you in my life anymore because I deserve better.

Seriously just fuck off. My love is too special to sprinkle on those who don’t appreciate it.

truth. truth. truth!

if a situation is no longer serving you, you know it. the hard part is letting it go. sometimes, the universe pulls the plug for you (like in my situation). other times, you have to seek out ways to reconcile your heart and mind – and then leave.

here are a few things i’ve learned that help with the process of gaining CLOSURE:

Recognize that there’s no time table for moving on.
Give yourself permission to feel sad, or whatever the feeling is that comes your way.
Forgive yourself.
Forgive the situation.
Accept that you may never get an apology, and learn to live with that.
Fill your heart and soul with things that make you feel amazing.
Remember who you are.

REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE.

That is the most important piece for me. Even if a friendship or relationship fell apart, if your career is no longer fulfilling you, and even if you got played by the homie like me – REMEMBER HOW STRONG AND AMAZING AND UNIQUE AND RESILIENT YOU ARE.

Even in situations where i did not gain CLOSURE, i still try to think about what i brought to the table and what the legacy of my existence will look like. Will they remember me as a raging b-i-t-c-h? maybe, briefly, but overall i bet I WILL BE REMEMBERED AS A GIVER WITH A GOOD HEART WHO VALUED HERSELF. And that’s really all that matters to me.

if someone from your past had to describe you to the world, what might they say?

She is light and funny and sweet

She loves the Lord. She loves unconditionally. She’s funny and sweet and a great mother. She’s stronger than she gives herself credit for.

A work in progress.

What would be said about YOU? Comment below.

i will always end our #powerpact sessions by saying that i see you, i love you, and i am on your side. let’s grow.

Comment below to add to this flow of thought.

catch me on the ‘gram if you want at @THEPOWERPACT

SAY WHAT YOU MEAN. MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. SAY SOMETHING!

i write this for the ones who don’t want to cause trouble, and for those who need to speak [all the way] up!

COMMUNICATION.

a tap on the shoulder. a smirk. a vibe. an emoji. a thumbs up. smiles. a flirt, a frown, or an eff you! – all of these things directly convey a message from sender to recipient, and oh yeah bro, we get it. it’s COMMUNICATION.

COMMUNICATION has been a make-or-break part of all of our lives since day one. it’s fundamental, it’s amazing – it’s also scary and unavoidable. we might be giving a friend a dissertation on why they shouldn’t buy those jeans, or trying to make awkward small talk with someone new; aggressively crying for no reason (me), busting up with laughter (me), or rolling our eyes (also me) – all of those show how we COMMUNICATE in a million different ways.

looking at the big picture, COMMUNICATION can be broken into a few major categories:

it seems so complex, but at the same time it makes perfect sense. the key is for us to balance all of these things while finding the ebb and flow in every type of COMMUNICATION we have with others.

the things i am [re]learning about communication are:

VERBAL: MY WORDS CAN CHANGE THE COURSE OF [MY] HISTORY, so i need to speak up (and be careful)
NON-VERBAL: MY FACE AND BRAIN NEED TO GET ON THE SAME PAGE, or i will COMMUNICATE without meaning to and potentially cause some trouble.
FROM THE SOUL: I NEED TO SPEAK MY TRUTH WITHOUT FEAR OF WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT.

i think one of the most difficult things about COMMUNICATION is a fear of judgement. ugh, i know, i dropped a bomb. fear of judgement. it is the worst, most ever-present piece of crap stronghold that affects every single one of us from time to time.

think about the kid in school (possibly yourself) who never wanted to raise their hand to answer a question, would never volunteer to participate in class, or who would do the homework but not turn it in. that is a prime example of what i think of as a ‘microfear’ – it’s not big enough to acknowledge at the time, but 15 years later you’re like “GAH! i can totally relate to Jimmy Brooks in the 7th grade!” – you realize that the microfear of judgement has stifled your ability to openly share, participate, and COMMUNICATE.

Another area that affects our ability to COMMUNICATE is our families. look, friends, I am keeping my Oprah Winfrey hat off this week, but I just want us to consider this:

our family members are real, actual people. the titles of Mom, Dad, Sister, Uncle are just assignments that are given out by default. we treat these people as super heroes, and their opinions / words / vibes can make or break us at the core. they often hold the key to our self esteem, our growth plans (or lack thereof), and how we decide to present ourselves to the world. consider the stories you’ve heard about your family members, consider their actual lives outside of molding and shaping you as a child. think about their hardships, their habits, the money they did or didn’t have.

then…

FORGIVE THEM. forgive them for the things they said, for the things they didn’t say, and for the vibes / looks / moments that put tiny fractures into your giant heart. it will open up room in your heart for new / more love, and you will breathe deeper than you ever knew you could. it will take time, and it wont be easy – but it will be worth it.

FORGIVE YOURSELF for not being who they wanted you to be. for wasting time trying to be someone you are not. and for not speaking up for yourself when the opportunities were there and you could have changed things. it’s okay. you’re okay. we’re okay. it’s going to be okay.

CELEBRATE YOURSELF for becoming the strong, amazing, evolved, resilient being that you see looking in the mirror.

now doesn’t that feel good?!

but it is hard as hell.

I asked a few anonymous friends about COMMUNICATION in my latest survey, and whoa – i was legit blown away.

KEEP IT REAL: DESCRIBE YOUR COMMUNICATION STYLE.

Do you ever hold back from saying what you feel in order to keep the peace? How do you feel in those moments?

All the time and I feel stifled when I do, mad at myself for being worried about others feelings more than my own. It feels like I sacrificed my peace for theirs.

Sometimes. I’ve always been a believer in “think before you speak” and not always blurting out the first thing that comes to mind. I’m patient and watch before saying what I think and how it could be fixed.

For the sake of my mom I withhold saying what I need to say. How I feel in those moments is frustrated, angry and unappreciated. With friends I say what I need to say and let it be if it cost me my friendship then we were never friends.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve created a very clear line of when I should speak my mind or hold my tongue. But because I’m so stubborn, I sometimes don’t listen to myself. I think it comes from growing up feeling less-than & constantly hiding my feelings; Holding my tongue sometimes reverts my mindset back to being a kid and feeling inadequate & ignores all he progress that I’ve made, so suffice it to say, I don’t like it. But it’s necessary evil sometimes and, I think, a part of being a full fledged adult: knowing when to shut up.

Always. The idea of conflict gives me anxiety. I try to avoid it at all costs. I honestly don’t feel strong enough to deal with it most of the time.

Do you fear confrontation? Do you have any tips on how to approach difficult conversations?

I do not fear confrontation. In dealing with people I usually ask a lot of questions to understand why they thought their actions were acceptable when it hurt my feelings.

I do fear confrontation. I have a tendency to feel like I did something wrong even when I didn’t. ESPECIALLY if I need to confront someone. I go in feeling like the bad person just because I have to express my feelings. I fear the other persons reaction…I fear a pretend scenario. What I try to do is step away from that mind frame and remember that I’ve done nothing wrong and that I need to have more faith in humanity… that it will not turn into a battle or argument.

Tips: go in with a positive mindset, visualize your ideal outcome, don’t take yourself so seriously, write out what you are trying to express before the conversation and take 5 deep breaths before the confrontation. Deep breaths are key for all things in life.

I absolutely fear conflict. I’m still learning on how to approach difficult conversations. Someone gifted me a book on how to. One day I’ll actually read the book.

I fear confrontation, but my progress that I’ve made acknowledges that fear but continues in spite of it. I have absolutely no tips on approaching difficult conversations. It’s always such an intricate and delicate dance of feelings that I don’t believe is the same for anyone and any situation. Unless you don’t give a shit; Then make yourself heard any way you can. There’s a freedom in that, but it’s not always possible.

Who is the hardest person in your life to communicate with? Why?

My mother. I have always been one to try to skirt the issue with her. I do have moments where it’s hard to talk to her because she is very hard in her beliefs.

Some of my friends, my mother, and my child’s father. I don’t think they understand me, my thoughts, my feelings (or they won’t understand). I don’t want to be judged by them.

My parents and my ex partner. It is challenging at times communicating with my parents because they don’t have a place of reference managing people. Being an entrepreneur and then a creative. So at times there are large gaps in our communication or I have to go back to set up the foundation to our conversation then have our conversation and it’s exhausting. I love my ex partner and at times I struggled in speaking to him about how I feel and situations that have taken place. Immediately he would take things personal and no accountability because it’s always someone else’s fault.

My mom because she’s so sensitive, my white friends because they are truly oblivious to the struggles of black folks.

My dad. We have good conversations but there are certain subjects that I tend to stay away from. He’s very consumed with work and a little shut off at times. He can be stubborn and shut you down if you’re telling him something he doesn’t want to hear. He doesn’t always hear me..literally he can’t hear very well. lol. He also is quick to react if you have an opposing opinion. BUT, he is capable of having intellectual conversation if you can break past the initial reactive part of the conversation. I tend to not push the boundaries of our conversations though. Maybe I’ll try a little harder and be more aware of any excuses I’m trying to make for expressing myself…like I mentioned in the first answer.

I don’t have one person, but more of the type of person. That is of a coworker. The coworker/friend line is ever wavering & that relationship is incredibly complicated & just as fragile. We all slip from time to time in our communication with friends/family but if you slip at work, those consequences could be severe and long-lasting.

so, friends, how do we do better? how do we get beyond our microfear of judgement, how do we align our verbal and non-verbal COMMUNICATION? how do we improve the way we COMMUNICATE with others?

i’ve got a game plan.

WAYS TO OVERCOME BARRIERS IN COMMUNICATION

Have a clear mind and clear thoughts.
Have empathy toward the person you are COMMUNICATING with.
Get over fears from the past.
Adjust your COMMUNICATION style to meet the needs of the other person.
Be respectful, and always be respected.
Be ready for feedback.
Keep your mind, heart, and body language in check.
Don’t freak out.

WE CAN DO THIS.

LET’S COMMUNICATE BETTER THAN EVER IN ’18.

i will always end our #powerpact sessions by saying that i see you, i love you, and i am on your side. let’s grow.

Comment below to add to this flow of thought.

catch me on the ‘gram if you want at @THEPOWERPACT

…be alone and successful, or build a family and have to edit your dream? why?

…be famous, or live alone on an island? why?

…amass HELLLLLLA money and leave it to your family after you die, or make a comfortable living now that affords you to give to causes / people you believe in? WHY?

…lose your sight or your hearing? why?

…text message or talk on the phone? why?

CLOSURE IS:

> Something that you once counted on as very important to your life that is over and done.

> Closure means finality; a letting go of what once was.

> Finding closure implies a complete acceptance of what has happened and an honoring of the transition away from what’s finished to something new.

FINALITY.

ACCEPTANCE.

LETTING GO.

MOVING ON.

talk about a situation where you never got closure.

NO MATTER WHAT, THESE BABIES ARE STILL THE KEYS TO CLOSURE:

FINALITY. ACCEPTANCE. LETTING GO. MOVING ON.

if you could say the thing you’ve never been able to say to someone in order to bring closure to a situation, what would it be?

Recognize that there’s no time table for moving on.

Give yourself permission to feel sad, or whatever the feeling is that comes your way.

Forgive yourself.

Forgive the situation.

Accept that you may never get an apology, and learn to live with that.

Fill your heart and soul with things that make you feel amazing.

Remember who you are.

REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE.

if someone from your past had to describe you to the world, what might they say?

COMMUNICATION.

VERBAL: MY WORDS CAN CHANGE THE COURSE OF [MY] HISTORY, so i need to speak up (and be careful)

NON-VERBAL: MY FACE AND BRAIN NEED TO GET ON THE SAME PAGE, or i will COMMUNICATE without meaning to and potentially cause some trouble.

FROM THE SOUL: I NEED TO SPEAK MY TRUTH WITHOUT FEAR OF WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT.

KEEP IT REAL: DESCRIBE YOUR COMMUNICATION STYLE.

Do you ever hold back from saying what you feel in order to keep the peace? How do you feel in those moments?

Do you fear confrontation? Do you have any tips on how to approach difficult conversations?

Who is the hardest person in your life to communicate with? Why?

WAYS TO OVERCOME BARRIERS IN COMMUNICATION

WE CAN DO THIS.

LET’S COMMUNICATE BETTER THAN EVER IN ’18.