i write this while thinking it’s not about me, knowing that it is.
no matter how you cut it, getting CLOSURE in most situations sucks. unless you are the one victoriously skipping away after putting the final ca-bash on a situation, then 9.9 times out of 10, it sucks. right?! ok, so let’s jump right in…
> Something that you once counted on as very important to your life that is over and done.
> Closure means finality; a letting go of what once was.
> Finding closure implies a complete acceptance of what has happened and an honoring of the transition away from what’s finished to something new.
i know, i’m freaking out too.
i don’t have a whole lot of words for this post…i think we need to just process it together.
talk about a situation where you never got closure.
My last two breakups. We just stopped talking to each other. I’m always open to friendship with an ex. I don’t believe in tossing people aside especially if I’ve shared significant parts of my life with them, but I understand not all people feel that way and I have to move on with no “closure”.
My very best friend got ill. In the midst I forgot to inform one of our other friends immediately. When I did, she got in her feelings and we got into it. She basically said we are only online friends now. I haven’t spoken to her since. We’ve been friends for over 20 years. It’s been like 3-4 months since the incident. I don’t even know where we stand. I refuse to reach out to her.
Forgiveness is hard for me. Sometimes the people you trusted the most hurt you the worst and in so many ways there is no coming back from that. At this point in my life, respect is earned not given. An apology without action behind it means shit. Ultimately the growth that (I, Me, She, Queen) experienced due to finally having closure but never being the same me again, has been a blessing in disguise. Despite the gut wrenching pain to get to this point, I will be okay.
about ten years ago, i had a close friend just completely disappear on me. we had been in touch nonstop for three years prior, had done some business together, had all the same friends, etc etc. the person left town for a while to go take care of some stuff out of state, then i somehow wound up buying them a plane ticket back home. [for which i was never thanked or repaid] (red flag). <— do i sound bitter? haha! whatevs…i’m human.
upon returning everything was fine – we were hanging out, vibe seemed normal, but i was somehow footing the bill for everything (red flag). after a couple weeks i called the person (who somehow weaseled a cell phone onto MY account – level 10 red flag smh). when we met up they said they’d “forgotten their wallet” (BURNING RED FLAG), so i had to cover the bill for the food we’d already eaten. [DANG I WAS NAIVE! – THIS IS BASIC “NO NO NO NO NO” STUFF HERE]
the next day, they asked for a ride to the area where i worked. they said they just wanted to hang out and kill time til i got off, then we would go to a friend’s house not too far away. i took my lunch break and met up with them – they’d already eaten, and they had arm loads of shopping bags. [MAGICALLY, THEY HAD MONEY!] then, at the end of my shift i called and called and called the person – radio silence. that silence is still in effect today – a decade later! i saw them once since that day, and we had an exchange of greetings then just kept it moving. turns out this person was a ‘serial moocher’, and i was just one of several victims.
in this situation CLOSURE was forced on me because the person vanished [THANK GOD, IN HINDSIGHT]. i got played, then the person completely fell off the face of the earth.
i’m sure i’m not the only one who’s had a MANIPULATIVE friend or two out there.
The thing to remember when someone has taken advantage of your good nature (or in any type of relationship that has seen its final day) is that when you are finally out of the situation, even if you don’t get traditional reconciliation and CLOSURE, IT’S OKAY. You’re not stupid. You will live. You can be a whole person, still.
and, if the closure you seek involves something that was a huge part of your life (like a relationship / marriage / job), the rules are still the same: IT’S OKAY. You’re not stupid. You will live. You can be a whole person, still.
ALSO, if you were the crazy one in the situation – now that it’s over: IT’S OKAY. You’re not stupid. You will live. You can be a whole person, still.
NO MATTER WHAT, THESE BABIES ARE STILL THE KEYS TO CLOSURE:
FINALITY. ACCEPTANCE. LETTING GO. MOVING ON.
if you could say the thing you’ve never been able to say to someone in order to bring closure to a situation, what would it be?
You hurt me.
I’d say I can’t have you in my life anymore because I deserve better.
Seriously just fuck off. My love is too special to sprinkle on those who don’t appreciate it.
truth. truth. truth!
if a situation is no longer serving you, you know it. the hard part is letting it go. sometimes, the universe pulls the plug for you (like in my situation). other times, you have to seek out ways to reconcile your heart and mind – and then leave.
here are a few things i’ve learned that help with the process of gaining CLOSURE:
Recognize that there’s no time table for moving on.
Give yourself permission to feel sad, or whatever the feeling is that comes your way.
Forgive the situation.
Accept that you may never get an apology, and learn to live with that.
Fill your heart and soul with things that make you feel amazing.
Remember who you are.
REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE.
That is the most important piece for me. Even if a friendship or relationship fell apart, if your career is no longer fulfilling you, and even if you got played by the homie like me – REMEMBER HOW STRONG AND AMAZING AND UNIQUE AND RESILIENT YOU ARE.
Even in situations where i did not gain CLOSURE, i still try to think about what i brought to the table and what the legacy of my existence will look like. Will they remember me as a raging b-i-t-c-h? maybe, briefly, but overall i bet I WILL BE REMEMBERED AS A GIVER WITH A GOOD HEART WHO VALUED HERSELF. And that’s really all that matters to me.
if someone from your past had to describe you to the world, what might they say?
She is light and funny and sweet
She loves the Lord. She loves unconditionally. She’s funny and sweet and a great mother. She’s stronger than she gives herself credit for.
A work in progress.
What would be said about YOU? Comment below.
i will always end our #powerpact sessions by saying that i see you, i love you, and i am on your side. let’s grow.
Comment below to add to this flow of thought.
catch me on the ‘gram if you want at @THEPOWERPACT
2 thoughts on “WE [ALL] NEED CLOSURE”
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What he would say about me is “he is such a kind and generous soul, a man who simply wanted to help me for no reason that would benefit him because all he wanted was to see me smile. I wasn’t always kind, I did not always appreciate him and I put him through hell every time I could because I was too afraid to love him back. The pain of potentially loosing him was too great for my heart to near. He saw me for my strengths and fears and yet he loved me and cared for me. I could tell the world how incredible this person was but I could never tell him. When I made excuses he would take action. When I would lash out at him and crucify him for my misfortune he would lay down his life each and every time for me. I broke his heart with my insecurities and every empty promise I made him. When there was call to action he would rise to the occasion while I would raise the bar of expectation. For all of this I am deeply sorry. I apologize for being to afraid to meet you half way. And I regret putting you through such pain all because you simply wanted to love me and mend my broken heart. You did it with such grace and compassion never unwavering and yet I failed you. I love you and I hope you can forgive me. “ this was tough to write but I guess I’m on step closer to moving on with my life and starting a new…